What I'll Be Able to Say I Did

My dad was diagnosed with cancer and given months to live. He ended up living with it for a while. But in his final months, what I remember is that all he talked about was the things he had accomplished, about his past. But he didn’t seem content with any of it. He kept going back to the list, almost to check it was still there…

It’s been years now and with each one I see him more as a person than a dad. And I think that’s part of what I was watching at the end without understanding it, the accomplishments were the part of his life he could still hand to someone. They have names and dates. The person was the part I actually wanted, and that was harder for him to give.

I did my own version of this. I was creating a company, thinking about making a dent in the world, and how that created meaning for me. I was all consumed.

But it didn’t. I learned a lot. But being with the girls, cultivating family, partnership, friendships. That’s where it actually was.

And I can’t pretend I’m done with making things. I’m slowly building something right now and the wanting to make something real is in me as deep as anything. Both are true. The making is part of me, and the making has never been where the meaning came from.

What we did is easy to say. What we were there for is harder. So the easy one comes out first, and if we wait until the end to share the other one, the list is all we have left to give.

So maybe the question isn’t what I’ll be able to say I did.

Maybe it’s how much of the living I actually shared while it was happening.